A EULOGY
FOR THE MOM I THOUGHT I WOULD BE
By Christie Andreassi
Though absolutely fictional and entirely made up, the Mom I thought I would be deserves to be properly laid to rest. Thank you for taking the time to read this and celebrate the life she never had.
She was Dreamt up
in a false reality of Instagram motherhood, to which some women have set out to make others feel less than. The false reality where moms actually have time to make videos showing everyone what a “good mom” they are. Time management was simply never an issue for her, and her kids always cooperated when displayed in public. Pretty Impressive.
WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?
Oh, I know. The baby clothes. Who doesn’t love a cute baby outfit! She always had her kids dressed and proper from the moment they woke up! Never did a hair go un-brushed, or a day be spent in pajamas. She had strangers to impress!
And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention her clothes as well. Always dressed in her cute but casual mom clothes that made it look so easy. A styled ponytail that was definitely not “textured” by three days worth of dry shampoo. She was always well manicured and those highlights were FRESH.
HOW COULD I GO WITHOUT REMINISCING
on the perfectly balanced toddler meals. Breakfasts of homemade french toast and a fruit variety served in the shape of a rainbow. And who could forget the never dumped from a box, homemade Mac and cheese (because YUCK powdered cheese).
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST
The play room — SO AESTHETIC. Who knew childhood could be so organized. I simply don’t know how she did it.
Although her children were well dressed, fed, and never had a light up, singing, flashing toy, that’s about all they’ll remember from their childhood because their mom was so busy making it look good for everyone else.
The mOm I thOught I wOuld be didn’t die instantly.
It was a slow burn out upon realizing those things that would make motherhood APPEAR so perfect, actually suck all the joy from it too.
While NOt REAL, OR EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO EVER EXIST, I CANT SAY I'M SAD TO SEE HER GO...
Because if she were real, underneath the Instagram worthy outfits, sensory bins, and heart shaped cucumbers on a well balanced toddler plate, she’d be missing out. The messy, snuggley, triggering, absolutely hilarious, just please eat your chicken nuggets and take a nap moments make motherhood the most beautiful and best part of life (despite the unwashed hair).
In honor of all I never want to be, I’ll be spending motherhood doing MY best. Which means serving up some boxed mac and cheese, but buying the organic one. I’ll be getting my kids dressed for the playground and not the photoshoot. I’ll occasionally cut their sandwich into fun shapes if they take a long enough nap or the TV distracts them long enough. I’ll wash my hair as often as I can find time for. And when I have time to scroll through Instagram I’ll say a prayer for the influencers of the mom I thought I would be. I hope they don’t spend so much time making “perfect” that they miss out on making memories.
SO REST IN PEACE TO THE MOTHER I THOUGHT I WOULD BE-- I'M SO MUCH BETTER OFF NOT BEING YOU.
